I felt left out of the world even if it’s just an hour of letting go of my phone. I felt left out of my friends, of their high speed lives. I felt an unnamed worry every time I was living the moment of my life but I did not share it with the world. I felt different, I hate it.
I used to abhor it. My sister called me a savage for not using it. I cannot really remember why I finally installed it in my phone. But then, somehow I enjoyed it. Scrolling timelessly, looking out into other people’s life, giving ‘love’ to endless photos, checking out cool videos, and so on. I admired how I could get so close, it almost felt like I was inside of those lives running on my feeds. I was so intrigued by the fact I could update everything that happened in other’s lives with just a single tap on my phone. It was all felt kind of enriching my ego. Till I realized one thing:
Each time I closed the app, I felt empty.
Have you ever asked yourself whether you have used your social media properly? Have you ever asked yourself what is the positive of involving your life in social media world? Have you taken any of those positives? Social media supposed to make you feel close to people/stuffs you care about, did it treat you so?
I questioned myself those questions and the answers were disappointing me.
I felt everytime I scrolled through my feeds, I almost could guess what post that I would see. It’s either my friends got married, posted happy photos with their spouses, having a baby, or playing with their kid. I felt great for them, but I cannot afford to do so to myself.
Call me a stupid woman for easily falling for stuff like that and not enjoying my own rhythm in life. But I think you’re denying yourself the truth if you’re in my shoes and not feeling the way I feel.
So, yes. I decide that my mental health is above of all my social medias. I took psychology major in college and I have some of my own experience. I know how dark that place called depression is. I knew this was not healthy anymore. Thus, I started to give myself a treatment.
At first, I determined that I could open Instagram only twice a week and for not more than 30 mins. It’s a bit hard at first since I was cutting what’s usually 1–2 hours a day to 1 hour a week. But I managed. All good.
Next, I’ll try once in two weeks. I’m not ashamed to say that I failed this step. Somehow in between those times, I managed to went easy on myself and let me opened the app once in a while. It was so wrong, it even broke the rule of the first treatment!
I realized this was not going as good as I wanted it to be. So, one moment, I grabbed my phone. I took a look at the Instagram icon on my phone screen. My brain was working, my heart was beating a tad faster. I was contemplating, what bad thing is really going to happen to me if I just throw this app out of my phone and restore my life almost like it used to be?
Took me a good five minutes and then it’s decided.
I hit uninstall and saying goodbye to Instagram for good. No regret.
Two weeks later, here I am, writing this. Feeling more alive than ever. No more insecurities, no more feeling left out, no more bad mood, no more wild thoughts running around my overthinking state of brain. I feel free, content and less empty.
I’m not saying that Instagram is a bad app. No. I used to enjoy the way many of you who read this (maybe) enjoy. I respect you who decide that you still want to use the app. Nothing is wrong with that. Go on. Enjoy. I was doing this merely because I felt it has given me no more good. I felt that I needed to protect my fragile mental health.
Thank you for some wonderful experiences, Instagram.